🔗 Share this article

Commonplace Lavatory Laughs

Toilet humor has always been the comfort zone in everyday journalism, and we are always mindful of notable bog-related stories and milestones, notably connected to soccer. Readers were entertained to discover that a prominent writer Adrian Chiles has a West Brom-themed urinal in his house. Spare a thought about the Tykes follower who took the rest room somewhat too seriously, and needed rescuing from an empty Oakwell stadium after falling asleep on the loo midway through a 2015 losing match against Fleetwood Town. “His footwear was missing and couldn't find his phone and his headwear,” explained a representative from Barnsley fire services. And everyone remembers at the pinnacle of his career playing for City, the Italian striker entered a community college to use the facilities during 2012. “Balotelli parked his Bentley outside, then entered and inquired the location of the toilets, afterward he visited the teachers' lounge,” an undergraduate shared with local Manchester media. “After that he was just walking around the college grounds acting like the owner.”

The Lavatory Departure

This Tuesday commemorates a quarter-century since Kevin Keegan stepped down from the England national team following a short conversation in a toilet cubicle together with Football Association official David Davies in the bowels of Wembley, after the notorious 1-0 loss by Germany in 2000 – the Three Lions' last game at the legendary venue. According to Davies' personal account, his confidential FA records, he had entered the sodden troubled England locker room directly following the fixture, discovering David Beckham crying and Tony Adams “fired up”, both of them pleading for the director to convince Keegan. Subsequent to Hamann's direct free-kick, Keegan had trudged down the tunnel with a thousand-yard stare, and Davies located him seated – reminiscent of his 1996 Liverpool behavior – in the dressing room corner, muttering: “I’m off. I’m not for this.” Collaring Keegan, Davies worked frantically to save the circumstance.

“Where could we possibly locate for a private conversation?” recalled Davies. “The tunnel? Full of TV journalists. The dressing room? Heaving with emotional players. The shower area? I was unable to have a crucial talk with an England manager as players dived into the water. Only one option presented itself. The lavatory booths. A significant event in English football's extensive history happened in the old toilets of an arena marked for removal. The coming demolition was almost tangible. Pulling Kevin into a stall, I shut the door behind us. We stayed there, eye to eye. ‘You can’t change my mind,’ Kevin said. ‘I'm gone. I'm not suitable. I’m going out to the press to tell them I’m not up to it. I'm unable to energize the team. I can’t get the extra bit out of these players that I need.’”

The Aftermath

Therefore, Keegan stepped down, later admitting that he had found his stint as England manager “soulless”. The two-time Ballon d’Or winner added: “I found it hard to fill in the time. I found myself going and training the blind team, the deaf squad, assisting the women's team. It's a tremendously tough role.” English football has come a long way over the past twenty-five years. Regardless of improvement or decline, those Wembley restrooms and those twin towers are no longer present, although a German now works in the coaching zone Keegan formerly inhabited. The German's squad is viewed as one of the contenders for next year’s Geopolitics World Cup: England fans, don’t take this era for granted. This particular anniversary from one of the Three Lions’ darkest days is a reminder that things were not always so comfortable.

Current Reports

Join Luke McLaughlin at 8pm BST for Women’s Bigger Cup updates regarding Arsenal versus Lyon.

Today's Statement

“We remained in an extended queue, in just our underwear. We represented Europe's top officials, top sportspeople, examples, grown-ups, parents, determined individuals with great integrity … but no one said anything. We hardly glanced at one another, our gazes flickered a bit nervously when we were requested to advance in couples. There Collina examined us thoroughly with a freezing stare. Quiet and watchful” – previous global referee Jonas Eriksson discloses the embarrassing processes officials were once put through by ex-Uefa refereeing chief Pierluigi Collina.

Daily Football Correspondence

“How important is a name? A Dr Seuss verse exists titled ‘Too Many Daves’. Did Blackpool encounter Steve Overload? Steve Bruce, along with aides Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been dismissed through the exit. So is that the end of the club’s Steve obsession? Not quite! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie remain to take care of the first team. Full Steve ahead!” – John Myles

“Now that you've relaxed spending restrictions and awarded some merch, I have decided to put finger to keypad and share a brief observation. Postecoglou mentions he initiated altercations in the school playground with kids he knew would beat him up. This masochistic tendency must account for his choice to sign with Nottingham Forest. As a lifelong Spurs supporter I'll continue appreciating the subsequent season award but the only second-season trophy I can see him winning by the Trent, if he lasts that long, is the Championship and that would be some struggle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|