Those Advice from A Dad That Saved Us during my time as a New Dad

"In my view I was merely just surviving for the first year."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the demands of becoming a dad.

But the reality rapidly turned out to be "completely different" to what he pictured.

Life-threatening health complications during the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into acting as her primary caregiver as well as caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, every change… every stroll. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he burnt out. That was when a chat with his parent, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he required support.

The direct phrases "You're not in a good spot. You require some help. What can I do to help you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and find a way back.

His experience is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While society is now better used to discussing the pressure on moms and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties new fathers go through.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan thinks his struggles are part of a wider failure to communicate amongst men, who still internalise harmful notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and remains standing time and again."

"It isn't a show of being weak to request help. I failed to do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health before and after childbirth, says men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can think they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - especially in preference to a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental well-being is just as important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the opportunity to request a break - spending a couple of days away, outside of the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He came to see he required a adjustment to consider his and his partner's emotional states alongside the day-to-day duties of taking care of a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd failed to notice "what she needed" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son to better grasp the expression of feelings and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The notion of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen did not have stable male guidance. Even with having an "amazing" connection with his dad, long-standing emotional pain meant his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "terrible decisions" when he was younger to modify how he was feeling, turning in drink and drugs as an escape from the pain.

"You gravitate to behaviours that aren't helpful," he says. "They can temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - if you're feeling under pressure, confide in a family member, your partner or a therapist how you're feeling. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the pursuits that allowed you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. This might be exercising, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Look after the physical stuff - a good diet, physical activity and if you can, resting, all play a role in how your emotional health is coping.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - hearing about their experiences, the challenges, and also the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help does not mean you've failed - prioritising you is the best way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the loss, having had no contact with him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead offer the security and emotional support he missed out on.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the feelings safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men because they acknowledged their struggles, altered how they express themselves, and learned to manage themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… sitting with things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I said, at times I feel like my job is to teach and advise you what to do, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I'm learning an equal amount as you are through this experience."